« The Power of Pizza | Main | Let's Turn Back The Clock »
January 26, 2006
Cereal Monogamy
The other night, Christopher, Mary and I went out for an impromptu drink after work. Come to think of it, we seem to be going for ‘just one drink’ nearly every Monday evening after work, so I guess we’re only impromptu if it’s a regular thing. Hm.
Anycrap, because we’re pretty much Gen Xers (wise beyond her years, Mary is an honorary one), the topic of conversation inevitably came around to breakfast cereal. You know: what’s your favorite… which taste like sand… which ones can’t stomach anymore now that you’re an adult. If this topic hasn’t come up with you and your friends over drinks, then you must be too busy discussing the finer points of last night’s episode of “According to Jim."
That conversation inspired me to share a list here on the blog; a sort of “What’s Hot and What’s Not” of the Cereal World According to Kyle. What’s a blog for after all, anyway? I’ll leave the reportage to clever folks at Daily Kos, Talking Points Memo and The Jo-Tel*.
With a tip of the hat to those Kellogg’s Variety Packs (the buying of which was like experiencing some kind of kid-Nirvana), and Raisin Bran (which would probably clock in at #11), here are my Top Ten Cereals:
10. Cheerios
This classic is the favorite of the toddlers across the US for a reason: they’re tasty, not too sweet and will stick to you if you eat them with wet hands. Bonus: No milk? No problem!
9. Life
And this means any variety. Again, not too sweet, and it’s a healthy choice that both you and your mom can agree on. And if your mom is still choosing your cereal for you… you’re 37. It’s time to let go.
8. Corn Bran
This cereal isn’t seen very much anymore, but it is seriously delicious. I based my top ten mainly on how much I fondly recalled the taste and texture of each cereal, and I can taste this one now. It was like Corn Pops but without the slimy grossness. Slimy almost never makes for a good cereal.
7. Cracklin’ Oat Bran
The fact that this cereal has “crack” right there in its name is no surprise. Also no surprise is the fact that it is chock full of goodness due to all that palm oil in it. Oh, palm oil… you foul temptress, you!
6. Apple Jacks
Appley goodness, that’s what it packs. Sure they’re a bit sweet, but compared to their perhaps more diverse (color wise) cousins, Fruit Loops, they’re actually better since they actually have a taste (faux apple) as opposed to just being “sweet.” If the subtlety of this comparison is lost on you, go read the paper or something.
5. Mini-Wheats
Back in Pittsburgh, a friend of mine came across an old picture of himself from high school with the most cheap looking non-salon highlights in his hair. He shoved it in front of my face, exclaiming in his best old lady soprano “The FROSting!” Remember that ad? In a related story, this cereal is delicious, and the sugar side must stay oriented UP at all times.
4. Quaker 100% Natural Granola
This cereal proves the adage that if it’s delicious it’s probably bad for you, regardless if the name is Dr. Healthenhiemer’s Whole Body Macrobiotic Life-Lengthening Anti-Oxidant Flakes. Sure it’s 100% Natural. Naturally full of delicious delicious fat.
3. Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries
Have you noticed that the relative percentage of sugar has been going up as we get closer and closer to my #1 cereal? For all it’s overpowering sweetness and the inevitable mess it makes of the roof of your mouth, Cap’ Crunch is worth it. It has a deliciousness factor so esoteric, it’s hard to really put into words. In that state of perfect softness yet not-softness this cereal is what makes it so… oh, je ne c’est quoi.
2. Lucky Charms/Count Chocula
It’s 2006 people. Let’s face facts: these cereals are identical. Slightly sweet cheerios with “marshmallow” shapes. CC has added the magic of “chocolate,” but essentially they are the same. And by “the same,” I mean scrumptious. Just enough cereal to be passing healthy, and just enough “marshmallow” (aka candy) to make it good eats. I love the slimy on the outside/crunchy on the inside quality of those “marshmallows.” Nothing is so satisfying as crunch-smooshing them between your teeth. PS: Those who object to me lumping two cereals into one spot on this list can get their own list.
1. Cocoa Pebbles
All hail the King of Sugar Cereals! It’s deep chocolateyness will not be diluted! Yea, though you let them soak beyond five minutes, their chocolateyness will not be leeched completely out into the surrounding milk! E’en unto the bottom of the bowl, they will retain their splendor, their sweetness, their rice-but-not-riceness. Woe unto him who filleth his bowl only halfway with their chittering brown presence. He shall wail and gnash his teeth and rend his robes asunder as he sees his roommate finish off the box he could have eaten. It shall be called Wonderful Consumable; Cereal of Cereals, and Pebble of Pebbles. Amen.
Please insert your own “Got Milk” joke here. I’m getting too hungry.
*Please note that The Jo-Tel is a specialty news site, reporting solely on popular culture, Scientology, indie rock, and extremely humiliating stories of guys who visit girls they hook up with at weddings. YMMV.
Posted by kyle at January 26, 2006 2:54 PM