March 26, 2007
Sorry... I've been indisposed.
Get off my back, people! And I mean that in the nicest possible way...
I'm now blogging here. You better move. You're stepping on my heart.
Posted by kyle at 3:51 PM
March 20, 2006
Must Drink TV
I fancy myself a rather sophisticated consumer of advertising. Time was, I would take ads at face value. I actually got excited for the Olympics. Spots for the next episode of the Cosby Show, where nothing interesting EVER happened, would keep me riveted. And I'm actually embarassed to tell you how many hours of my youth I wasted by watching the Miss Universe Pageant. They went on about how it was the one time of the year that the most beautiful woman in the world was crowned, so there I was making my predictions and keeping score -- yes you heard me-- with mom. To think I could have been binge drinking or having indiscriminate gay sex. Ah well... wasted youth.
When I saw the new ad campaign for Southern Comfort, touting not only a new drink mixing the insipidly sweet spirit with lime juice, but the fact (repeated over and over and over again), that we're now supposed to call it "So Co." "Riiiiight," says I. "So Co. Riiiiiight." I am so smart and smug and no marketer is going to get me to call it "So Co," even though the song from the commerical is a little fun and the graphics are pretty neat.
Then I was at a party on Saturda, when PETE -- a grade-A, gen-u-wine young person who invents slang and listens to indy rock and is so cool he openly dissed Von Dutch hats months before anyone esle did -- ACtually in ACtual conversation... ACtually called it "So Co." He even said it more than once.
To preserve my superior self-image, picture me, rolling my eyes and sighing audibly at PETE's naivete. Thanks. In reality, PETE is still cooler than me by a factor of, like, twenty. Ugh.
Happy first day of new job to Pete, now with 100% more Los Angeles!
Posted by kyle at 11:40 PM | Comments (1)
February 2, 2006
CSI: Customer Service Issues
It’s been a pretty tough week at work as regards customers complaining, often bitterly, about this, that or the other thing. In the midst of this, I had a revelation: 75% of customer service seems to be apologizing for things over which you either have no control over or aren’t the remotest bit responsible for.
The center of all these interactions seems to be empathizing with them and their situation, no matter how crazy or invented by them it is. Saying something like “I’m sorry… I know you’ve been waiting a long time,” or “I know that’s not the answer you were hoping for,” or “I understand why you’re disappointed – I would be too,” usually does it. That won’t work on everyone, but when you start out that way, and later they perceive that you’re put off by their bitchiness, they remember how nicely you started out and back off.
Think I could parlay this into a book deal?
Posted by kyle at 12:42 PM | Comments (1)
January 31, 2006
Facial Relationships
After much fanfare and anticipation on my part, I got my first ever professional facial this weekend. As expected, it felt great and left my face feeling open and clean and fresh as a spring daisy. Good thing it was a gift from my generous husband Christopher, ‘cause if I’d have had to pay for it, I’m sure I would have just elected to sit in the lobby and drink cucumber water. Still, it was a fabulous luxury, and the 50 minutes it took literally flew by. I highly recommend one for anyone who has $110 burning a hole in their wallet. Oily skin full of blackheads and ingrown hairs like I have is also helpful.
Part of the facial was the consultation with Sarah, the lovely young lady who did my treatment. She asked what I used to wash my face and when I told her I used St. Ives Apricot Scrub, I swear I heard that “pull the needle off the record” sound effect on the boring ambient mood music being piped into the dimly lit room. Sarah admonished me mightily for using that stuff, saying something I had heard before but didn’t quite believe: using that stuff actually makes you oilier. It strips your skin of its natural oils and so it starts to produce oil overtime to make up for it. Duh! “Only use that apricot stuff on your feet!” she reminded me not too gently.
After steaming, squeezing, sweeping and salving my face, Sarah told me she’d prepared a list of products she recommended for me (any of which I could conveniently pick up at the shop downstairs), and then dropped the bomb. She told me that I should only be washing my face AT NIGHT. You read that right. “Just water in the morning,” she reiterated. She said she’d ‘balanced me out’ with the treatment, and she suggested a gentle cleanser followed by a moisturizer each night before bed, and a protecting moisturizer in the morning, but no washing. Her list actually included a couple other “pore cleansing” treatments for twice weekly use and a couple of other things, but I was still reeling from the “don’t wash your face in the morning” idea.
So… we’re now on day 2 of me only having washed my face at night. My moisturizer collection is not what it should be for a gay man, and the only pore cleansing treatment I have used recently was the apricot scrub, and we saw how that turned out. My face doesn’t feel particularly greasy or anything, but my forehead does seem a tiny bit less shiny.
I wonder if Walgreen’s has any night-time alcohol-free moisturizers on sale this week?
Posted by kyle at 7:00 AM | Comments (6)
January 26, 2006
Cereal Monogamy
The other night, Christopher, Mary and I went out for an impromptu drink after work. Come to think of it, we seem to be going for ‘just one drink’ nearly every Monday evening after work, so I guess we’re only impromptu if it’s a regular thing. Hm.
Anycrap, because we’re pretty much Gen Xers (wise beyond her years, Mary is an honorary one), the topic of conversation inevitably came around to breakfast cereal. You know: what’s your favorite… which taste like sand… which ones can’t stomach anymore now that you’re an adult. If this topic hasn’t come up with you and your friends over drinks, then you must be too busy discussing the finer points of last night’s episode of “According to Jim."
That conversation inspired me to share a list here on the blog; a sort of “What’s Hot and What’s Not” of the Cereal World According to Kyle. What’s a blog for after all, anyway? I’ll leave the reportage to clever folks at Daily Kos, Talking Points Memo and The Jo-Tel*.
With a tip of the hat to those Kellogg’s Variety Packs (the buying of which was like experiencing some kind of kid-Nirvana), and Raisin Bran (which would probably clock in at #11), here are my Top Ten Cereals:
10. Cheerios
This classic is the favorite of the toddlers across the US for a reason: they’re tasty, not too sweet and will stick to you if you eat them with wet hands. Bonus: No milk? No problem!
9. Life
And this means any variety. Again, not too sweet, and it’s a healthy choice that both you and your mom can agree on. And if your mom is still choosing your cereal for you… you’re 37. It’s time to let go.
8. Corn Bran
This cereal isn’t seen very much anymore, but it is seriously delicious. I based my top ten mainly on how much I fondly recalled the taste and texture of each cereal, and I can taste this one now. It was like Corn Pops but without the slimy grossness. Slimy almost never makes for a good cereal.
7. Cracklin’ Oat Bran
The fact that this cereal has “crack” right there in its name is no surprise. Also no surprise is the fact that it is chock full of goodness due to all that palm oil in it. Oh, palm oil… you foul temptress, you!
6. Apple Jacks
Appley goodness, that’s what it packs. Sure they’re a bit sweet, but compared to their perhaps more diverse (color wise) cousins, Fruit Loops, they’re actually better since they actually have a taste (faux apple) as opposed to just being “sweet.” If the subtlety of this comparison is lost on you, go read the paper or something.
5. Mini-Wheats
Back in Pittsburgh, a friend of mine came across an old picture of himself from high school with the most cheap looking non-salon highlights in his hair. He shoved it in front of my face, exclaiming in his best old lady soprano “The FROSting!” Remember that ad? In a related story, this cereal is delicious, and the sugar side must stay oriented UP at all times.
4. Quaker 100% Natural Granola
This cereal proves the adage that if it’s delicious it’s probably bad for you, regardless if the name is Dr. Healthenhiemer’s Whole Body Macrobiotic Life-Lengthening Anti-Oxidant Flakes. Sure it’s 100% Natural. Naturally full of delicious delicious fat.
3. Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries
Have you noticed that the relative percentage of sugar has been going up as we get closer and closer to my #1 cereal? For all it’s overpowering sweetness and the inevitable mess it makes of the roof of your mouth, Cap’ Crunch is worth it. It has a deliciousness factor so esoteric, it’s hard to really put into words. In that state of perfect softness yet not-softness this cereal is what makes it so… oh, je ne c’est quoi.
2. Lucky Charms/Count Chocula
It’s 2006 people. Let’s face facts: these cereals are identical. Slightly sweet cheerios with “marshmallow” shapes. CC has added the magic of “chocolate,” but essentially they are the same. And by “the same,” I mean scrumptious. Just enough cereal to be passing healthy, and just enough “marshmallow” (aka candy) to make it good eats. I love the slimy on the outside/crunchy on the inside quality of those “marshmallows.” Nothing is so satisfying as crunch-smooshing them between your teeth. PS: Those who object to me lumping two cereals into one spot on this list can get their own list.
1. Cocoa Pebbles
All hail the King of Sugar Cereals! It’s deep chocolateyness will not be diluted! Yea, though you let them soak beyond five minutes, their chocolateyness will not be leeched completely out into the surrounding milk! E’en unto the bottom of the bowl, they will retain their splendor, their sweetness, their rice-but-not-riceness. Woe unto him who filleth his bowl only halfway with their chittering brown presence. He shall wail and gnash his teeth and rend his robes asunder as he sees his roommate finish off the box he could have eaten. It shall be called Wonderful Consumable; Cereal of Cereals, and Pebble of Pebbles. Amen.
Please insert your own “Got Milk” joke here. I’m getting too hungry.
*Please note that The Jo-Tel is a specialty news site, reporting solely on popular culture, Scientology, indie rock, and extremely humiliating stories of guys who visit girls they hook up with at weddings. YMMV.
Posted by kyle at 2:54 PM
January 6, 2006
Belt Protocol Question
After Christmas, I got a really nice brown leather belt on sale (how else) at Le Gap, and now I have a question: do I have to wear this thing with brown shoes? Are sneakers OK? I wouldn't wear it with my black leather shoes, but should I only wear it with brown? It is very casual and should go well with sneakers, but I am afraid the other gays will laugh at me (behind my back, of course).
As you can see, my life is pretty tough.
Posted by kyle at 3:43 PM | Comments (5)
January 2, 2006
Lost: Found
Thanks to my new video iPod, I now have the opportunity to watch TV without a TV. Being only slightly clever when it comes to finding bootleg copies of TV shows online, this means that the choices are limited for now to whatever the iTunes music store is selling. So, I bought the first two episodes of season one of Lost, since so many folks whose opinion I trust one matters televisional have raved about it. The plan was to fire up ol' Blackie (as I have decided maybe to call it) on the flight back to SF yesterday, and watch me some lost.
Here is what I found out:
A. Lost is an awesome TV show. I mean awesome.
2. Despite this fact, it is not such a good idea to watch a show about a plane crash while riding in a plane. Bad idea, Kyle. Bad.
iii. If you must be in a plane crash, be quirky, mysterious, or at least very very sexy. This will likely ensure your survival. Under no circumstances should you be a pilot, since you will die, even if the crash doesn't kill you. And no, that is not a spoiler to anyone who has ever seen almost any episode of Star Trek:TOS or any 1980s horror movie.
Let me add my voices to the legions of fans of this show. Lost is awesome. Watch Lost. Work on the quirky/mysterious/sexy thing when not watching Lost, and then, watch some more Lost.
Posted by kyle at 4:13 PM | Comments (4)
December 31, 2005
Do You Hear What I Hear?
The Christmas gift take this year has been particularly dramatic. The night before Christopher and I left on our annual holiday trip to the Frozen East, he unveiled his gift to me: a gorgeous white 40 GB iPod. This thing has enough memory to hold our entire music collection and still have gigabytes to spare. Did you hear that? OUR ENTIRE MUSIC COLLECTION. That choir of angels you hear is the sound of a new era dawning at our house.
When we arrived at my parents' place in West Virginia on Christmas Day, I watched my brother Todd open a gift my Mom, my sister and I had gone in on together: a sleek little 2GB iPod nano. This thing is so sexy that I was treating it like a religous icon when I opened it up to load it with music for him before we left. He looked sufficiently shocked and awed. Go me!
Not long after, I opened up a gift from Mom, Dad, my sister, AND her husband. For those of you playing at home, many names on the tag means a big deal present.
It was a stupifyingly cool 30GB black VIDEO iPod -- with my name engraved on the back. You heard me right: it was a three iPod Christmas. Perhaps you have already experienced this phenomenon in years past, but we are relatively late adopters of technology. Neither C'pher or I had any inkling that my family would go for such a gift, and so hadn't thought to compare gift notes.
Far from being disappointed, C'pher was excited that, in essence, HE now actually owned his own iPod. We've already started to make plans to use this device as our de-facto jukebox. I've already downloaded my first video (a free copy of the great SNL video from a couple weeks back called "Lazy Weekend" starring Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg rapping about going out to see "The Chronic...(what?)...cles of Narnia), and will keep all stakeholders informed of my attempts to find iPorn. Watch this space.
Oh, and it plays music, too.
Aside from gorgeous ornaments, fantastic and soon-to-be-digitized CDs, bakeware galore, and some great after-Christmas sale clothing, the most notable addition to our home after Les Pods has to be our Roomba. Yes, we're now the proud owners of a little round, red jobbie that will be sweeping up for us when we leave for work each day, leaving more time for us to take over the world... er, I mean blog.
Those visiting our sumptuous digs will please comment on the new cleanliness of our floors so we can say, "Oh, no need for compliments. After all... robots like Roomba have no feelings. Roomba! Come over here and sweep up those crumbs and be quick about it!" Having learned nothing from Ray Bradbury or Rod Serling, we will soon find ourselves trapped in a world we didn't make, fighting off our mechanical overlords while trying to get closer to newcomer Keanu Reeves. Sounds like an OK future to me, as long as I get to have my new iPod.
Posted by kyle at 1:59 PM | Comments (1)
December 16, 2005
Now... where were we?
HO-kay. So you know how when you have a blog and you have lots of ideas on stuff to write but instead you obsess about getting just the right Christmas gifts for your family and goof off on SFGate and other people's blogs all day instead of posting on your own?
Me neither.
Posted by kyle at 10:49 AM
November 1, 2005
Better Living Through... well, just about Everything
Everyone who reads this blog with any regularity knows this already, but for those of you Google-searching for a specific Kyle Minor, keep in mind that this one is not me.
Soapbox derby does some fast living in S.F.Mark Hedin, Chronicle Staff Writer
Tuesday, November 1, 2005
On a gloriously sunny Sunday afternoon, several hundred of the city's most-tattooed denizens spent the day on Bernal Heights' western slope, cheering as a motley collection of wheeled contraptions, maintaining only the barest pretense of control, hurtled by.
--SNIP--
In Sunday's pneumatic-tire category, it came down to a duel between Kyle Minor, driving a three-wheel adapted go-kart, and the man who built that car....
I'm fairly sure the one mentioned in this article is this one, though. I have occasionally gotten calls and e-mails meant for him. They started not long after I moved here in 1997.
That there are numerous Kyle Minors (or is it Kyles Minor?) in the world is not so unusual (the one who owns www.kyleminor.com seems an interesting guy... a writer), but that there is another Kyle Minor right here in San Francisco has made me start to thinking. And we know where that leads.
Here is what I know about him:
• He went to college in Kansas and is probably from there.
• He went to Japan for a long trip a few years ago.
• He races in soap-box derby races (I actually knew this before the article).
• He used to live in or near the Castro.
• He has his own business designing and building furniture and sculpture.
• He is most probably younger than I.
• He designed and built a DJ booth for a soon to open supper club here in SF and will likely be paid partially in restaurant credit.
• His aunt thinks he's a 'really great kid.'
I have no evidence to support that he has ever:
• sung karaoke more than once a year.
• cut out, baked, and decorated Christmas cookies from scratch.
• watched more than one episode of Star Trek in a row.
• looked forward to an evening of ironing at home.
• read, much less written at exhaustive length, about comic books of any kind.
The only thing I may have in common with my accidental namesake is that we both like beer, and I've just extrapolated this fact about him based on the soap box derby article.
Here's what I've concluded: this guy is a way better version of Kyle Minor than I am. It's in the interest of full disclosure that I present him here so that you, my friends can decide if you'd rather upgrade to the newer, hipper, and undoubtedly more-likely-to-build-you-a chair-as-a-birthday-gift model.
I do not seek fawning praise from you either. I just think it's fair to let you know that, when seeking to fill that 'Kyle Minor' slot in your social schedule, that I am not the only local option.
Posted by kyle at 2:20 PM
October 31, 2005
Something SCARY
BOO! Scared ya, didn't she?
Keep Halloween Happy by avoiding this harridan's show, people! You have been warned...
Posted by kyle at 4:10 PM | Comments (1)
October 30, 2005
Why I love The Onion
I don't really think words are necessary.
Thanks to SGS!
Posted by kyle at 12:11 AM
October 13, 2005
Finally, a poetry slam I can get behind
Let's get one thing straight: I love poetry. I love the fact that words placed together side by side in just the right way suddenly become more than a sentence, more than the idea or event they represent... they become Art. Take Edna St. Vincent Millay, for example. She's one of my favorites.
O world, I cannot hold thee close enough!
Thy winds, thy wide grey skies!
Thy mists, that roll and rise!
Thy woods, this autumn day, that ache and sag
And all but cry with colour! That gaunt crag
To crush! To lift the lean of that black bluff!
World, World, I cannot get thee close enough!
(God's World)
Have you ever felt that way about something? Or someone? That you just can't get close enough to it? That you just want to say how amazing it is, but you can't put the words together -- at all, let alone beautifully? That's where Edna comes in.
Now, with all that said -- I hate poetry slams. They are so fucking boring and full of bad poetry and the subjects of said poetry are ALWAYS about how there's no peace without justice or how the world has beat the poet down or how badly it sucks to pay rent and try to make a living selling handmade wire sculpture at Fisherman's Wharf. Oh, and 80-90% of all those reciting are SCREAMING because they are ANGRY. Now all those things are well and good, but why can't angry people just dance instead?
But, I have found a poetry slam/art event I can really get behind. I work on Thursday nights until around 10, and usually come up to the 16th & Mission BART station at just after 10. Every Thursday without fail, I witness what is clearly an ad hoc group of spoken-word artists (ugh), musicians, freaks, dancers, and rappers doing what comes naturally. Having lived at a VERY loud corner in North Beach for years, I can imagine that if my apartment were within earshot of this weekly event, I might not find it so cool, but it's not and so I do.
I discovered today that this event is loosely organized by a group called The Collaborative Arts Insurgency, which is oh so very Mission, especially the "Insurgency" part. I stop sometimes to hear a little bit, and sometimes it's good stuff. More often it sucks and I get on my way, but I still love that I live in a place where this kind of thing can happen. I have as much in common with the Collaborative Arts Insurgency as a banana does with an orange, but it's still such a magical thing to come upon unexpectedly.
I guess what I'm saying is... I don't mind poetry slams as long as I can haul my ass out of there if it sucks. Is that so wrong?
* Speaking of E St.V M, you have to love a poet who can write this:
I will be the gladdest thing
Under the sun!
I will touch a hundred flowers
And not pick one.
(Afternoon on a Hill)
And then turn around and write this:
Sorrow like a ceaseless rain
Beats upon my heart.
People twist and scream in pain, --
Dawn will find them still again;
This has neither wax nor wane,
Neither stop nor start.
(Sorrow)
Whoa. Bi-polar much, Edna? Today she'd be Prozac'd into a stupor and would probably spend endless hours watching Lifetime: Television for Women.
Posted by kyle at 12:52 PM
September 23, 2005
Regular
So I've finally become a regular. You know when you visit an establishment so often that they recognize your face and/or name and greet you and say "welcome back," and give you special deals? That kind of regular.
This is something that a small town boy like me usually only dreams about. For someone at the nieghborhood newsstand or comics shop, or convenience store or bar or restaurant to know you... that's just the coolest.
So when the manager of Quizno's on Golden Gate (whom I actually made fun of in an earlier post) gave me a free drink and said "You're in here all the time" today, I thought "Wow! I'm a regular!"
And then I thought, "At Quizno's." Hm.
The moral of today's story: Be careful what you wish for.
Posted by kyle at 2:22 PM
September 13, 2005
Not now, I'm playing.
What you see above is one of the worlds best babies. Ever. Ever. I swear.
C'pher and I returned Sunday from our week-long Babyfest back in Ohio and West Virginia. We took 313 pictures. To paraphrase Rebecca, I hope you look forward to seeing... some of them.
But later. For now, check out baby Max, my godson, in his natural state. He just learned to clap.
Babies are fucking awesome.
Posted by kyle at 2:42 PM | Comments (1)
August 25, 2005
It's Always Funny in Philadelphia
Are Christopher and I the only ones tuning in to see the hilarious FX show "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia?" We tuned in mostly because I thought the other new FX show to premiere at the same time, "Starved," looked fucking hilarious. It is pretty funny, but "Sunny" is way way better.
The show is set in a South Philly dive bar owned by a brother, his two pals and his sister. It's got a definite "Seinfeld" vibe (all of the characters are just a little despicable), though the humor is alot more adult. Lots of overt sex stuff. Plusses include: A) they love making gay jokes, and 2) the guys are all total Dannies. I also love the interstitial music, but that's just a thing I have.
As a sidebar, I think the viewers of Fox News would plotz all over their plastic-covered Barcaloungers if they watched this and some of the other shows on FX. How funny that one company owns them both! And by funny I mean soul-chilling.
I have to reccommend "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" here, because I know there are a lot of TV watchers among you regular readers of my blog (yes, I mean you Nicole and Jenny!). As is typical of these annoying cable channels, they keep jerking the day and time of the show around, though you fortunates with TiVo won't have the problem trying to find it that I have.
Watch this now -- it's clever, cute, hilarious and obviously it'll be cancelled. Nothing this good can last. I'm sure Tim Goodman would agree.
Posted by kyle at 4:00 PM | Comments (2)
June 22, 2005
Now why didn't you think of that?
Most who know me know I love love LOVE the internet, not for all the communities and porn and embarrassing antics of our esteemed President, though those things are nice, too.
Instead, I love the internet for its ability to serve up answers to almost any question... "Who sang that 'domo arigato' song?" "Is Karaoke Fever out on DVD yet?" "What is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?"
So, imagine my surprise when I tried to find the ever-so-clever lyrics to The Brini Maxwell Show theme song... and found them nowhere! No I am not lucky enough to have digital cable and therefore the Style Network, on which Brini's show airs, but a friend at work has been offering up his VHS copies of the show he taped from his very own state-of-the-art system. Thanks Malcolm!
If you've never seen Brini (rhymes with "weenie"), she's a NYC drag queen-cum-1960s girl-about-town who started her own fabulous "better living through Bridge Loaf" show on cable access back in 1998. Her talents didn't stay hidden for long, and she's now landed a place for her show on Style, and has gained many fans while still maintaining her cult status as the Doyenne of Domestic Science... of the Eisenhower thru Nixon eras.
So, here's my contribution to the wealth of Truly Important Stuff on the Internet, and a tip of my Tom Collins to my new favorite Homemaking Heroine, Miss Brini Maxwell!
---
Put down the iron
and pick up a drink.
Leave your pans at the neighbor's;
the kids in the sink...
It's Briiiiini!
The Brini Maxwell Show.
Make sure you
don't squeeze a lemon,
and don't bake a bean
'til the name Brini Maxwell
appears on your screen!
It's Briiiiini!
And look at Brini go!
You'll see her painting or knitting,
then off to a fitting
or the swellest of cabarets.
And at her chic soirees,
lift your pinkie and martini.
Brava Diva Brini!
World-weary husbands
and half-hearted wives
bless the day Brini Maxwell
came into their lives!
She's Brini!
Briiiiiiiiiiiiini!
The Brini Maxwell...
...Show!
---
Now why didn't you think of that? *bing!*
Posted by kyle at 4:53 PM
May 11, 2005
An Offer I Couldn't Refuse
Two weeks ago, I had a rare non-holiday visit back to West Virginia to see my family. Specifically, my sister asked me to be the Godfather of her second child, Maxwell William. Finding babies only mildly interesting until Max's big sister Mandy hit the scene two years ago, I naturally leapt at the chance, as I am now crazy for babies. Or maybe just babies related to me. Whatever.
If you assume I'll go on about how wonderful and cute and fat and adorable and smart and happy and did I say cute Max and Mandy both are, then you are correct! I had a great time. Suddenly, visits back to my hometown aren't quite as boring as they sometimes are: sitting around and gabbing or watching TV takes on a whole new dimension when you've got a drooling smiler and a ball of energy who loves to sing and dance to draw your attention.
Click on over to my first-ever Shuttlerfly album to see the pictures. Keep in mind that the true greatness of these kids is hard to capture in a photo. You'll have to trust me when I say they are the best ever.
Posted by kyle at 3:46 PM | Comments (4)
May 4, 2005
The latest thing to piss me off
Do people realize what dicks they look like with these Bluetooth Headsets mounted in their ears 24/7? I mean come on... you're the manager of a Quizno's on Golden Gate and Van Ness. Who's calling you so constantly that you've got to have it on "just in case?"
I can admit they are a useful tool (when I worked for City CarShare, one of these babies would have really come in handy), but as a fashion accessory they fairly scream "Look at me, I could conceivably have lost millions in the dot com bust!"
PS: Don't be fooled by the fact that this picture has a woman wearing it. Only men use these. And look like dicks.
Posted by kyle at 4:33 PM | Comments (6)
The Lies behind the Truth, and the Truth behind those Lies that are behind that Truth
I was in my home state of West Virginia over the weekend, and all we heard about on the news (TV and radio to my dismay) was the story of that gal who was 'abducted' before her wedding. I want to celarly state that, to my sister, I mentioned that it sounded fishy to me and that she might have run off herself.
Naturally it turns out she did. I am king.
In a related story: Don Assmussen is totally awesome.
Posted by kyle at 2:30 PM
April 25, 2005
Like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick
I was recently stunned into submission when I noticed that there is a new movie version of one of my favorite books of all time, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which opens April 29. Having long since lost/lent/sold/given away/trashed/consigned to a life of slavery on Arcturus Boolgeeian VII my own copies of these fantastic books, I went to Borderlands Books and re-purchased paperback copies of the first three of five books in the increasingly incorrectly named trilogy.
Naturally, it's just as hilarious as I remember, and I'm looking very forward to the movie, but this whole thing has gotten me thinking about how I love re-reading favorite books.
Do you have a collection of these? Maybe they are books you read as a kid or a young adult that really made an impression on you, or something similar, but if you like to read or not, I bet you've got at least one. Just as Rachel had Little Women and Joey had The Shining, we all have our favorite re-reads. And if it happened to that wacky Friends gang, it must have happened to us all.
Aside from the Douglas Adams books, here are some of mine:
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA by C S Lewis
My 5th grade teacher Ms. Wolen did me the biggest favor of my young life short of my 9th grade phys ed teacher making me play football once so that I hurt my finger and got out of phys ed AND typing for a week; she read to us and she read us Narnia. I've subsequently re-read all of these books at least twice, except for The Last Battle, the final book, which was just too too sad. Remember that when you read or re-read these (and you will do it) that you should read them in the order they were originally published in:
1. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe
2. Prince Caspian
3. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
4. The Silver Chair
5. The Horse and his Boy
6. The Magician's Nephew
7. The Last Battle
In all current editions, you will find the books re-ordered so that the events in them are chronological. The magical 'flashback' quality of both The Horse and His Boy and The Magician's Nephew are completely lost this way, and I think the experience is diminished. Accept no substitutes!
A CANTICLE FOR LEIBOWITZ by Walter M. Miller, Jr.
A college friend had to read this for a class on, of all things, nuclear holocausts, and when he was done, he lent it to me. I had heard several episodes of an incredible radio adaptation in my early days of NPR obsession when I was in high school, and I gladly took the book.
I actually didn't read it until several years later, but I've re-read it twice more since then. This book gives you an amazing perspective on lots of things, nuclear armageddon and it's aftermath being one, but time is the real star. Centuries of change, development, upheaval, destruction and reformation seem like they happen in the space of a year. The characters are all perfectly written and sympathetic without being all nice guys.
There is also a fair amount of past events being interpreted one way by people of the 'present,' when you as the reader know the truth and what they've gotten so very wrong. In that way it has a profound sense of history, and causes you to question even the things we know from our own past. Nuclear war, Catholic monks, tribes, books, and a world of might-have-been. Amazing book.
THE TRIPODS TRILOGY by John Christopher
Another favorite that a grade school teacher read to us: Set in a strange version of Earth that has been taken over by aliens who cannot breathe our atmosphere, and so move around the planet in sealed ships with three giant legs... The Tripods. They establish their own cities with specially treated water, air and even heavier gravity, and pick the strongest of the mind-controlled young people of the remaining Earth populace to be their slaves.
The White Mountains introduces the world and the main players, The City of Gold and Lead shows our hero, Will infiltrate a Tripod city, and The Pool of Fire shows the free people of Earth and their last stand against the Tripods and their powerful technology. I see now that there is a fourth book, a flashback to the invasion of Earth called When the Tripods Came.
I also see, familiarly, that the publishers recommend reading that book first. I do not! Half the fun of the first book is trying to figure out what's going on. Plus, everyone knows how cool flashbacks are. Stop trying to make us read in a perfectly linear way, publishers! Stop it now!
PS: Despite being for 'young readers,' events in these books are quite dark. Terrorism, slavery, mind-control, violence and even straight-up murder are all included. You have been warned!
WATCHMEN by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
Quite possibly the coolest fucking comic book ever ever written. Ever. Yes... it's got super-heroes, people. Sorry about that, but you're just going to have to get over it.
There is so much in these pages: Real people, the times they live in and their influence over those times. How much you can do vs. how much you should do. Sanity vs. insanity and who says which is which. How small, seemingly insignificant events can have earth-shattering consequences. What's the real nature of intelligence and power, and does it alone give you the right to rule the world? And, as completely lame as it sounds, what it means to be Human (and I don't just mean the Dr. Manhattan aspect of the story, for those of you who have read it).
There are a few others, like Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time books, and I can see The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay making it onto this list someday, but I won't read that again until I can get Christopher to read it once.
Damn. This makes me want to cancel my evening plans and stay in to read Watchmen again.
Posted by kyle at 4:47 PM
April 22, 2005
Waiter, there's a... well, it's not exactly a fly, per se....
You know what's great? This whole Finger-in-the-Chili story. I love love love love love this story. Just when you think it can't get any more outrageous, it does. Look at this series of events:
- Woman finds bit o' finger in her Wendy's Chili. Not an urban legend!
- Wendy's, flummoxed, apologizes and promises an investigation. Dave Thomas' corpse is not exhumed.
- Woman sues anyway. Mental anguish or some crap. Surprise!
- Authorities begin to suspect Woman is a grade-A grifter.
- Woman complains about how awful it was to, and I quote, [have a] "human remain in my mouth." Note the singular. Priceless.
- Woman and assorted trashy friends and family deny her guilt. "They don't got jack s—," a friend quips.
- Different lady claims the finger might be hers, as one of her own was bitten off recently BY A LEOPARD, but later changes her mind. Like ya do.
- Now the Woman is arrested for suspicion of theft and larceny. No word on any charges for her hairdo.
It is so obvious now that this Woman is a litigious snake and a faker, so seeing her brought low has its own degree of pleasure. It's the sheer freakiness of it all that amuses me so much.
I thought the story had hit a high point with the whole leopard thing, until I read today, in the newspaper mind you, that she was arrested while watching "Meet the Fockers" on DVD. You can't make shit like that up, people. I could make a prediction about what messed-up thing will happen next, but how could I? When a leopard figures into the story, all bets are off. Just ask Katharine Hepburn.
Thus, for your edification, I offer this list, lifted directly from the most excellent About.com Urban Legends and Netlore pages, of the Top 10 Actual Headlines in Wendy's Finger-in-Chili Coverage. Read and enjoy, my friends, as this shows that journalists still have a sense of humor.
10. Diner Puts a Finger on What's Wrong with the Chili
9. Finger Food Leaves Diner with Really Bad Taste; Chili Had Too Much of a Human Touch
8. Wendy's "Finger" Has a Chili Effect on Sales
7. Tipsters Calling Wendy's About Finger in Chili
6. Finger in Chili Not Getting Any Easier to Digest
5. Wendy's Reeling, the Butt of the Joke in Body Part Caper
4. Police Aiming to Point Finger at the Owner of Missing Digit
3. Six-Digit Reward for Origin of Wendy's "Chili Finger"
2. Finger In Chili Stumps Cops
1. Woman Bites Off More than She Can Chew
Sources:
10. Chicago Sun-Times
9. Salt Lake Tribune
8. ProFindPages.com
7. Los Angeles Times
6. Chicago Sun-Times
5. Sun Herald
4. Winston-Salem Journal
3. Winnipeg Sun
2. CBS News
1. Montreal Gazette
Posted by kyle at 1:56 PM